So grow tall, sugarcane.

2008-04-09T21:27:00.002-05:00

i think i am on the verge of having a mental breakdown
because NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

ironic, no?

2008-04-06T09:04:00.002-05:00

"I am a good person. I'm an attractive person. I am a talented person! Grant me grace..."

it's great. really.

2008-02-29T23:18:00.001-06:00

i come to the realization, that there are a lot of people who i thought would back me up, that i guess just don't believe in me.

it's great.
thanks guys.
good to know my friends support me.

2008-02-24T18:53:00.001-06:00

i wish i could just walk in and say
"please, just give me a chance. i know i need work but i promise i won't let you down if you just give me an opportunity to show you that i can do it."

but i can't do that.

i'm sick and thusly over emotional.

2008-01-07T21:50:00.000-06:00

if there is a god...
apparently he does not like to see me happy.
god forbid cavya should be normal or happy for a little while.

i think i'm being smited.
is that a word?

2007-12-12T19:23:00.000-06:00

i love babies.
love them!

i can't wait until i have babies. i wil love them and squeeze them and dress them in whatever clothes i feel like until they want to dress themselves. i will let them wear whatever they please even if it's ridiculous because i think it will be silly. i start them off listening to the good stuff so they don't grow up to have bad taste in music. screw the people who have their kids listen to Mozart whilst in the womb. My babies are listening to...The Kings of Convenience. yeah. They'll grow up and be awesome. even if they're not like me, they'll do whatever they want with their life and it will be fantastic. My kids and I will laugh together and cry together and get angry at eachother sometimes but we will always love eachother. I will not be their best friend, but i will be their best mom.

And once they grow up, and i grow old. I will age with grace. I'll let my hair gray, (but i'll color it until i turn...forty)and i won't wear those awful jeans that come to your belly-button. i'll wear sophisticated clothes that are appropriate for my age and i still still be DAMN FINE even at fifty.

And when i get really old...
i will do whatever the fuck i feel like doing. and no one will be able to stop me. if they try, i will say, "fuck you! i'm old! let me live the little bit i have left in peace, you jerk!"

As for right now...
well, i suppose i'll just keep dealing with the heaping piles of shit life throws at me and go one with my life. I've realized, that i am not perfect, and i would have it no other way. I am a flawed human being, just like anyone else (even if they try to deny it). And guess what? i love my flaws. I think they're cute. like kittens. or BABIES! HA! so eat that.

2007-12-10T16:01:00.000-06:00

maybe i'm back.

maybe.

we'll see.

2007-07-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

this seems so foreign now.
i think we've all moved on.
it was nice when i needed it,
but now i don't so much.

i may come back from time to time, if i feel the need.

but i think for now i'm done.

2007-06-11T14:57:00.001-05:00

oh dear.
not this again.

2007-05-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

I have to write a ten page book tomorrow.
and do a project.
and do a three foot tall mound of laundry.
and then find some time to celebrate mother's day somewhere in there.

Fuck you english!
I'm a lazy whore.

At least my room is clean now. And I can now actually walk into my walk-in closet.

Today was perfect, I think. I feel refreshed.

What is it that makes the combination of sun, friends, food and music that just makes everything so much better? What is it about screaming at the top of your lungs that makes you feel so refreshed? Being outside until it's dark with the people you love and not having to worry about impressing anyone or not getting something done. It's amazing just to be able to leave everything behind for a day. It didn't matter that it was cold as hell, or that the grass was prickly, or that we all had rancid-breath from the huevos rancheros and bean dip. It was just perfect. You have no idea how much I am looking forward to two and a half months of that.

I need some summer.

2007-05-01T18:41:00.000-05:00

sometimes i wish
i could turn that part of my brain off.
nothing else works now.
it's just no good.

but something inside just won't let me do it.

2007-04-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

i think i'm stuck. i'm sure i've been here for a long while.
and i'm not sure how to get away.

2007-04-10T20:21:00.000-05:00

And now you think, "Again with the lists! God damnit Cavya, i'll shoot your ass in the foot."
Deal with it.

I am...
-a selfish person. (hence all the blog posts that are about nothing but me.)
-a horrible person. (really, i am)
-trying to figure out why i keep holding on to things i know will hurt me.
-a person with a lot of weird habbits
--touching curling irons when they are hot
--biting people
--making weird faces at everyone i know all the time
--subconciously buttoning/unbuttoning shirts (sometimes even on other people)
-trying to be a better person
-a procrastinator--to the point where i can almost never get anything done on time
-too strong for my own good.
-not able to cry in movies
-completely confused as to what the hell i am going to do with my life.
-almost never sad when i am around my friends
-almost always sad when i am not around them
-apathetic towards things i should not be, because it's just not a surprise anymore
-surprised that i miss him
-not sure if he'll get better
-not sure if he wants to get better
-not sure that he can get better
-afraid to trust him (and very few others)
-an extremely jealous person
-a party
-waiting to be married
-waiting for someone who can be what i need
-going to make running a habbit.
-going to follow through with the promises i make to myself
-the person who can't help the way they are, or how they feel. i just am.

2007-04-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

"...And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away"

2007-03-25T18:57:00.001-05:00

i can't even pity you anymore.
what have you become?

2007-03-17T12:52:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to be this new person.
i am trying very hard, i promise.
but its not so easy.

i don't know what else to do.
so i'll just keep smiling, because that's what i do.
it's all i can do.
it's all i know how to do.

let's go.

2007-03-07T21:06:00.000-06:00

oh wow. i forgot about this.

cast list goes up tomorrow.
callbacks were okay.
we'll see. what ever happens happens, i guess.

but one thing is for sure...

DAMN YANKEES IS GOING TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS!

please tell me.

2007-02-22T21:25:00.000-06:00

i don't understand.
i just don't get it.

how someone can make the same mistakes over and over and still not learn.
three years. for three years its been the same thing. again and again.

how could someone be that selfish?
how could someone see the pain they are causing and still have no desire to change?
how could someone have so little respect for those around them?
how do i understand this when you don't and you are so much older?

when are you going to grow up?

why...how...wha-

what are you thinking?

2007-02-18T21:14:00.000-06:00

i just saw the illusionist. i'll admit, for some reason i was spectical when it started, but it was very good. plus, edward norton is very attractive.

i need to go to the movies. i recall enjoying that quite a bit, and yet i haven't in far too long.
who wants to go with me?

all i want to do right now is shop. that's all, really. i just need to shop. it makes me feel good. i want to feel good. so i need to shop.

2007-02-14T21:40:00.000-06:00

im trying to figure out what will make it easier for you to understand.
i tried to find song lyrics.
but nothing fit.

maybe that's it.
nothing fits anymore.
i don't know.

i don't know what i can do.
i just want to do something...something that will make me feel like everything hasn't been a waste.
i need to know that i'm not wasting my time. and my energy.

do you see me?
...am i appreciated?

i try so hard to understand. lately i feel like all i do is help the people around me pass me by.

i feel like a doormat.
for everyone.
it's not your fault.

i don't know why.
i will figure it out.
i will not be this way anymore.

as soon as i figure out how to.

2007-02-11T10:17:00.000-06:00

I thought that that the happy was a new thing. that it was going to stay.
hmph.

this week has been disappointing.

i'm tired of understanding. all i ever do is say "no, it's okay, i understand." well i don't.
i'm tired of being second best. i'm tired of being in someone's shadow, constantly.

i don't think you understand. i don't know if you care.

i don't know where my drive went.
i don't know where my ambition has gone.

...i don't know how to be the person i want to be.

What Changed?

2007-02-03T21:39:00.000-06:00

I don't know.
But I like it.

I am just...happy.

Lately I feel like I'm the only one who is, though.
Makes the whole thing kinda suck.

But you can't bring me down!

:D

2007-02-01T18:23:00.001-06:00

You would think that in between getting your hopes up and expecting the worse would be normalness.

But no.
Oh, of course not!

Instead, it's a mixture of both, which leaves you in a completely false state of calm, because you're trying to not feel either of the two but really you're feeling both. and so then you pretend like you're calm and don't care but behind that is a negative yet hopeful swarm of bees.

hmph.

2007-01-28T13:15:00.000-06:00

i wish i knew.

but i'm not sure that i ever will.
we don't have that much time left.

this probably doesn't make sense. but it does to me.

2007-01-21T19:24:00.000-06:00

well let it be known that i had something really interesting to say but i forgot.

i placed first at conference, for those of you who didn't know. our team took first as well.

schmer.

2007-01-18T17:17:00.000-06:00

Oof. I hate making posts like that last one.
I haven't been having the best of times lately.
Hopefully it'll get better soon.

well.
there is one good thing.

NO MORE EARLYBIRD!

2007-01-13T22:53:00.000-06:00

It's interesting to watch yourself go through all the different stages of tired.

first you kind of fall asleep for a while, then you're crazy, and then everything just hits you. everything just comes down.

and here i am.

thinking about now. everything. so much. too much. you know everytime stuff like this happens, i just remind myself that other people have it so much worse. and it's true. but this is weird. this is different. i am not a part of this. this is my family being dysfunctional around me.

all this stuff at school doesn't even matter anymore. the things that used to tear me apart, things that would keep me up at night, don't matter.

but neither does this. here. home.
..."home".

and school doesn't matter.

so what does?

...i'm not so sure anymore.

2007-01-09T19:22:00.000-06:00

I really think you should check this out. because you love spencer.

I AM SPENCER.

2007-01-07T19:13:00.000-06:00

i dont get it.

i just don't understand how someone can have so many oportunities to change, and so many second chances and still not learn. How could someone see their family and loved ones hurt so many times over and over again and just continue to do things that hurt them? could he just not care?

it just doesnt make sense.

gross.

2007-01-03T12:36:00.000-06:00

I'm sick. With the flu, i think.

I've felt like i have to sneeze constantly for the last two days.
my voice is gone
my throat and eyes are scratchy and my eyes are watery.

i don't want to move. i've been sitting in this chair in my living room for two days straight.

i haven't been this sick in almost a year.

i had best be better by tomorrow for theatrefest.

Hello, 2007

2007-01-01T21:56:00.000-06:00

In 2006 i:
-cried
-laughed until it hurt
-smiled because i was happy
-smiled because i didnt know what else to do
-was heartbroken
-got better
-took a lot of pictures
-was a feather duster (and a sexy one, at that)
-was jasmine (i still haven't returned the costume...eek!
-was disappointed in myself
-was disappointed in others
-realized how childish people can be
-learned that you can't change someone unless they're willing to change
-been sick
-been healthy
-felt pretty
-hot
-fat
-gross
-confused
-like throwing up
-like crying
-like running
-figured it out, for the most part.

2006-12-30T19:54:00.000-06:00

I'm back!

if you check the space (it's linked) i should have a slide show up within the next few days.

2006-12-21T23:33:00.000-06:00

hmm..

well i'd be lying if i said that i'd never thought of it that way before.
but now it just makes more sense.

i don't need you anymore, i think.
---
I won't be here all of break pretty much, so miss me. i will miss you. and just remember while your here being rained on and freezing your asses off that i will be warm and in the caribbean. :P SO. that means comment. because i won't be here for a week and i would like to come back to a commented blog. it'll be like a christmas present for me. when i come back i probably should have presents for you so the least you can do is comment me. I love you.

and ps.
things i would rather do than drive to fruits' house ever again:
-eat a bag of glass
-kill babies
-kill myself by form of drinking condensed milk until i die
-pull off all my toenails
-stick 100 needles in my face
-scotch tape my hair to the side of a building
-swim with sharks
-get eaten by an octopus
-chew off my own arm

you get the idea.

2006-12-18T21:06:00.000-06:00

i have two shadows. and i walk faster than i think.

i'm getting there.

2006-12-17T16:11:00.000-06:00

It's been a good birthday week. at least starting friday.

thank you, friends. i love you.

only three more days of school.

and only 6 days until i'm here:

2006-12-13T18:36:00.000-06:00

right now this is me:

it's not really an angry tornado.

---

right now this is everything:

can you feel it coming?

2006-12-09T22:31:00.000-06:00

OH MY GOD WATCH THIS!

octupus and shark happy fun playtime underwater fantastic awesome

REGGAE HAIRSTYLE, ROCK AND ROLL!
....japanesesuperhappyfun

2006-12-07T17:52:00.000-06:00

well.

where do i go from here?

2006-12-05T18:16:00.000-06:00

I
Um
Hmmm...

I'm not sure...

Winter is confusing.

--edit--

before i didnt know exactly what i needed to say, but now i do.

I am tired of hearing 'your great, just not the right fit'
I'm tired of being a great person, but it just never happens to work.
I'm tired of listening and caring and accepting, but then when i need to be listened to or cared for all i get is 'well that sucks'

So i am going to become so good, that i can't not be the right fit.
But i can't control fate. So i can't become so awesome that it has to work.

...well that sucks.

2006-11-30T21:49:00.000-06:00

I feel kind of warm and fuzzy. And this song makes me feel warm and fuzzy. This song is my mood. my current state of being, to some extent.

I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts
Waiting for the black to replace my blue
I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught
But daddy longlegs, I feel that Im finally growing weary
Of waiting to be consumed by you

Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait
Forever
Darling, just start the chase - Ill let you win but you must
Make the endeavor

Oh, your love give me a heart contusion
Adagio breezes fill my skin with sudden red
Your hungry flirt borders intrusion
Im building memories on things we have not said
Full is not heavy as empty, not nearly my love, not nearly my love, not
Nearly

Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait
Forever
Darling, just start the chase - Ill let you win, but you must
Make the endeavor
-The First Taste
-Fiona Apple

I've realized that my moods are usually directly connected with the weather. Winter always makes me feel kind of impatient, and happy, and even more hopelessly romantic than usualy. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and hollow and empty at the same time. And you get to wear cute sweaters and hats and gloves and scarves and coats and yay.

I can't wait for snow.

Soon...

soon.

2006-11-29T17:11:00.000-06:00

hmmm....

callbacks.

they were okay.

pretty good, i think.

2006-11-28T21:14:00.000-06:00

well today was a wonderful day until i tried to help so i just will not even try anymore. so that's it im done. im tired of trying to help other people out and then ending up feeling like and idiot in the end. ugh.

well i'd like to end the day on a good note so lets recount all the reasons why today was wonderful.

-O Magnus Mysterium
-Realizing what i want to do with my life because of O Magnus Mysterium
-Auditions going well
-finishing my scarf (the first time i've finished any knitting project!)

whew. okay. today was good and i will just forget about the bad thing.

sounds like a plan.

2006-11-26T00:10:00.000-06:00

So i know i probably should have made the thanksgiving post on thanksgiving...but thanksgiving didn't really end until today for me so this is perfectly appropriate.

i am thankful for:

-the fact that everyone i love is alive and healthy (for the most part)
-my wonderful friends
-the EHMS
-knitting
-Having friends that care, and try to understand, even when what you're saying or feeling doesn't even make sense to you
-food
-music
-theatre
-shoes
-5 day weekends
-going to starbucks and standing in the parking lot and talking
-having friend that will just sit in a car in the school parking lot and talk because you don't feel like going home quite yet
-having the ability to love life even when it hurts

but you know what im NOT thankful for?

my brother fucking hitting a deer and totally messing up my car.
at least he didn't like die in a fatal deer-related accident or something.

2006-11-24T18:16:00.000-06:00

While in India
My father went to a psychic
(Or something).

He told my father that
I had already met my soulmate
(curious...)

I went through the list
Of everyone I have met
All the Eligible Bachelors,

But no one seemed worthy.
(Is that horrible of me?)

A year ago today

2006-11-20T21:44:00.000-06:00

A year ago today
it hit rock bottom

A year ago today
my life changed forever

A year ago today
my mother woke me up in the middle of the night with the words
"i don't know if my son is alive"

A year ago today
they said it would be a miracle if he lasted one week

A year ago today
My family finally picked itself back up
(as much as we could)

A year ago today
I grew up.

2006-11-19T13:57:00.000-06:00

i don't know.
i just don't know.
i don't know why or how.
i don't know why i don't know better.

i wish i did.

2006-11-17T19:52:00.000-06:00

i'm not going to say too much because im afraid if i do i'll start something and that's the last thing i want.

but just let it be known that i am angry.
oh yes indeed i am pretty fucking angry.
actually, i'm not just angry, i am offended.

df;kdsajhflksajdhflksajda.

im not on a warpath or anything, so don't feel the need to run and hide if you see me. if you happen to be the object of my rage you will know it before you talk to me.

2006-11-15T17:32:00.000-06:00

i have been thinking in poetry lately.

so i did what made sense and started writing it down last night.

now writing poetry has never been something i have done. I didn't even know i could.
but i figured if i can think in poetry, why shouldn't i be able to write it down?

it's enjoyable...a good release.

maybe i'm crazy

2006-11-12T14:16:00.000-06:00

people ask us why we do it
why we work and rehearse and run and sing and dance
until there are bags and dark circles
that shouldn't appear until we're much older than this.

is it for our parents?
maybe

is it for attention?
possibly

is it for the audience?
partially

is it for our future?
sort of.

is it because we really truly enjoy it?
mostly.

yes, we love this. we love performance, we love our friends...we love everything that goes along with it. Even the stress. We even love being so sleep deprived that we can hardly see straight.
but then, there's that part in all of us that knows that we are also doing it to avoid thinking. Keeping ourselves so busy that all we have time to think about is where we are going and what we are doing next. and we know this, deep down (maybe not so deep) we know this. and we have no intention of stopping.

it's interesting isn't it?

2006-11-06T18:33:00.000-06:00

here's to:

-having a speech meet in 4 days and not having your material memorized
-necessary changes of pace
-falling into your own traps
-champagne
-loving life
-living love
-moving on
-goals
-not acheiving them
-achieving them
-smoothies
-halloween
-halloween parties
-babies
-crazy parents
-shoes
-fall clothes
-the EHM's
-the Mexican Riviera
-Earlybird
-food
-all the things we'll want, and never get
-all the things we'll get, and never need
-not having to worry about tomorrow
-being young and restless

2006-11-05T12:03:00.000-06:00

next year for halloween, i am going to have to awesomest, skankiest costume ever. this year's costume was cute though, but i was too lazy to actually make a costume. whatevs.

2006-11-03T09:27:00.000-06:00

Whew.

Well i think i am feeling a little bit better now. sometimes you just go into big black holes of depression, you know? Well that's over now and the choir concert was yesterday and that was good, i think.

i feel like i'm reeeeeaaaaalllly busy.

oh wait, i am really busy. ha.

i've got nothing interesting to say, besides sometimes all you need is time with the girls and singing very badly to feist in the ghetto box and lots and lots of leftover italian food.

2006-10-31T20:07:00.000-06:00

i can't do this anymore. i don't know what i am doing but obviously something is stopping me from being as happy as i should be, and i don't know what it is but it's horrible and i hate feeling like this all the time and i wish it would just go away.

In 20 days it'll be one year since KK's accident. maybe that's part of it. i can still see the police lights flashing in my head, i can still hear my mother crying.

i need to get out of this funk.

2006-10-30T17:40:00.000-06:00

I'm in a funk. So i'm going to make a list. it's not going to be a very happy list.

I hate:

-feeling left out
-people being blatantly favored
-not being given a chance to show my talent/potential
-knowing im not doing my best
-bad days
-bad weeks
-ignorant people
-stupid people (unless their stupidity is entertaining)
-being able to relate to sad/angry music word for word
-feeling alone
-not being able to like my parents no matter how hard i try
-being in a bad mood
-feeling like a whiny bitch
-being stressed out
-feeling unwanted
-being stuck in this state of being
-knowing that there are certain things i'll never get to do, certain parts i'll never get to play, certain songs i'll never get to sing, certain people that will always be favored
-having to just sit and deal with it
-having bad memories replay in your mind over and over
-feeling overwhelmed
-right now

i'm sorry but i needed to get that out. it's been a bad last week for me.

this mind, this body, and this voive cannot be stifled by your deviant ways

2006-10-29T19:07:00.000-06:00

I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool but you just run to hide, and i can't abide

I've got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You've got this head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem.

you know you're having a bad week when you listen to Fiona Apple and think she is reading your mind.

2006-10-23T16:28:00.000-05:00

When i get old, i want to have laugh lines.

very deep laugh lines. I don't mind if i have wrinkles, but i want every single one to tell a story. i wan't to travel around the world and collect things, and be a great cook. i want endless stories. i wan't lots of grandchildren to spoil. i want them to love me. I want to take advantage of every opportunity i get in life, and live to tell about all of it. i want to be able to say "When i was your age..." i want countless photo albums. i want to share my love for life.

i don't want to be the old lady that people feel bad for. I want the youngest and hippest to envy the life i have lived.

Right now i want to live my life to the fullest. I want to learn everything i can. i want to be everything i can.

I want to live the stories i'll tell in 60 years.

2006-10-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

Please please please
No more melodies
They lack impact, they're petty
They've been made up already
Please please please
No more maladies
I'm so tired of crying
You'd think I was a siren
But me and everybody's on the sad same team
And you can hear our sad brain screaming

Give us something familiar
Something similar
To what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady
Steady going nowhere

Please please please
No apologies
At best they buy you time
Until you next step out of line
Please please please
No more remedies
My method is uncertain
It's a mess but it's working
And maybe if you tried it out
You won't like it when you're crying out

Give us something familiar
Something similar
To what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady, steady
Steady going nowhere

-please please please
-fiona apple

2006-10-17T16:04:00.000-05:00

So i stole this from sara watts blog and she stole it from some guys away message. but i thought it was hilarious, and hopefully its still funny even if it is third hand. i don't see how it couldn't be.

AS A PORN MOVIE TITLER, I MAY LACK PROMISE
By John Moe
-When Harry Met Sally, They Had Sex with One Another
-The Matrix-sex
-Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines are Humping
-Mr. Smith Goes to Washington Whilst Having Sex
-American History XXX
-Reservoir Dogs Humping All Over People's Legs
-All Quiet on the Western Front Except for All the People Having Sex on the Western Front
-O Brother, Where Art Thou Doing It?
-Sex Degrees of Sexparation
-Akira Kurosawa's Dreams About Having Lots of Sex with People
-You've Got Mail, and Also Tons of Sex!
-It's a Wonderful Life When You Are Having Scads of Sex with Others
-Some Like It Hot, e.g., Hookers
-The Day the Earth Stood Still Somebody Somewhere Was Having Sex
-Schindler's List of People to Have Sex with a Whole Lot

2006-10-15T09:38:00.000-05:00

things i am like:

-a rollercoaster
-leopard print
-mini skirts
-high heels from the thrift store
-the wind
-the sun
-a river
-music
-magic
-autumn
-one huge contradiction
- a songbird
-a big comfy sweater
-a messy room
-a big hug
-a koala bear
-a june bug
-funky colors
-a heroin addict but with email
-a movie
-hope

got anything to add?

a very self centered post just like the rest of them

2006-10-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

there is something i've been trying to say, i think. but i'm not sure what it is. and i'm not sure how to get my point across or if i even want to get my point across.

i've been doing too much existing. just existing. not thinking, not doing and avoiding feeling...because i don't want to be set back. but is that setting me back even more? i'm afraid that if i start doing too soon that i will encounter things im not ready to yet. i don't know, it's complicated.

and once again i'm overwhelmed with the feeling that everyone is moving on without me. everyone has a purpose, but i'm just here. just existing. moving forward but not in a way that matters. feeling good but not in a way that matters.

I wonder...

-when i will know what i need to do
-when i will have real passion, real drive
-when i won't have to think about what i do
-when i won't regret
-when love will find me
-why we do the things we do
-when i will stop being so lazy
-where i will be in five years
-where i will be tomorrow
-why i forget who i am so easily
-how much more i have to learn
-when people willl grow the fuck up
-when i will grow the fuck up
-when i will be able to see what i have to do before the moment has passed
-what life has in store for me
-if i'll be okay next year
-when i will be able to let go
-when i will be able to actually truly care and be dedicated to something again
-if things really do happen for a reason
-why reading happy books/watching happy movies makes me sad
-when i won't be able to relate to the sad songs anymore
-why everything my family does bothers me
-if the fact that everything that they do bothers me makes me a bad person
-why being around them makes me so uncomfortable and moody
-when i will feel like i am a good person
-if time travel is possible
-when i will find that person
-why i am so selfish
-why i am so afraid of being alone
-whether people really hear and understand what i say and do because it's almost always for a reason and almost always means something more than it seems

2006-10-04T20:00:00.000-05:00

there are two kinds of people in the world.

the kind who don't bake their feelings away,
and the kind that do.

apparently i fit into the second group.

only sort of useless.

2006-10-02T21:24:00.000-05:00

i guess i feel incomplete if i don't update everyday.

so i think the current weather reflects my current state of being. where i am there is nothing but light rain, but a few miles out there is thunder and lightning and huge angry exciting storms. i think right now i content with what i have been doing and where my life is. i don't have too much to worry about, and the bad things in my life can be fixed over time. but i feel like if i delved deeper into how i was feeling i was spill over with emotion...happiness, excitement, anger, bitterness...sometimes i wonder how i can be feeling so many things at the same time.

that doesn't count as whining, does it?

oOo...My dad got KK's car (or i guess its MY car now...that's so awesome to say...my car!!) cleaned so it no longer reeks of stale cigarrette smoke or weed, and there are no longer cd's all over the ground and dirt all over the place. it's completely clean and smells lemony fresh. i can't wait to drive it. eee!

IMEA auditions are tomorrow...wish me luck!

2006-10-01T19:01:00.000-05:00

i'm not sure what to say. i could whine but i don't feel like feeling useless anymore. and i don't really have anything entertaining to say. lately i've been mopey which is the thing i hate most. so no more moping here.

no, i am not feeling too wonderful as of now...but i will be feeling fine eventually. so until then i don't know if i will be saying much of anything important. there will probably be many many random useless posts, because that's what i do when i'm bored. but for now i've got nothing left to say besides things i've said before.

so for now i'm just going to keep living and taking things day by day, and soon i will have something to say.

2006-09-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

if anyone reads this and is going to Liana's house tonight...bring a dish because it is a potluck.

just letting everyone know.

see you tonight! :)

2006-09-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

GIRLS!!!!!

MY HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT AFTER THE GAME. OKAY!?!?

IF SATURDAY WOULD WORK BETTER TELL ME

NNNNOOOOOOOWWWW!

okay?

2006-09-28T16:31:00.000-05:00

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I likes a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I likes a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then theres those other things
Which for several reasons we wont mention
Everything about em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

Its not very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

2006-09-27T21:44:00.001-05:00

I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know what I'm saying
I don't know why I'm watching all these white people dancing

I don't know where I'm going
But I do know that I'm walking
Where?
I don't know
Just away from this love affair

I can't say that I'm cruisin'
Not that I don't like cruisin'
Just that I'm bruisin from you

I can't say that I'm waltzin'
Not that I don't like waltzing
Would rather be waltzin' with you

So I guess that I'm going
I guess that I am walking
Where?
I don't know
Just away from this love affair

-Rufus Wainwright

this is what i do now

2006-09-26T23:28:00.000-05:00

i was going to make this two posts but then i decided to save my energy. and this is more a reminder for myself. so i don't go crazy.

i have learned:
-that if i want something done i will do it myself
-to say what i want to say
-to say what needs to be said
-you can't and change people if they're not willing to try.
-to not let my own happiness depend on the happiness of others
-not to ignore the truth
-that people are just people. mainly highschool people. so you can't get upset when they act immaturely or don't do what you want. you just have to accept that that's how people are and move on with your life
-that there is always some good that comes out of bad things

I'm tired of people not saying what they mean and lying. and if something is wrong dont mope at me, please. if you want to talk about it, talk about it and i will do my best to help you feel better, but if you're not going to then don't just sit around and be mopey. you can fix it and talk to people about it and make yourself feel better or you can bottle it up. do whatever you want just dont bring others down with you. don't pretend you're something that you're not. if you really want to change, you will change. but if you dont you wont its that simple. everyone goes through hard things and everyone has tons of people that care about them enough to help them overcome those things. its just a matter of how you look at it and how strong you are.

there is always a good side. you just have to be willing to see it.

right now it might be hard. but it always gets easier.

Things people should know about me:

-sometimes i can be selfish and i know it
-sometimes i can act like a 5 year old
-other times i act like a 60 year old
-most of the time i find a happy medium
-despite my optimistic nature, i have lived, and i have had my struggles. whatever struggles a 15 year old living here can have.
-i don't always put others first, but i do always consider how my actions will affect them
-i love to laugh, smile, giggle and everything in between
-usually when i am sad there is a valid reason
-i am a little bit crazy
-okay really crazy
-i always try to see the best in people. unless those people happen to be tyree or avery
-i am not racist
-i am, however stupid evil obnoxious people-ist
-i am a fairly confident person
-i am almost never 100% sure of myself
-i am very indecisive
-i am always up for a hugs and kisses from those i love
-i am a very hands on person
-i don't change for anyone but myself
-but i will listen if someone thinks a change needs to be made
-sometimes i love a little too much
-i never had very close friends until 2 years ago
-i no longer let people treat me like a doormat
-i am very much a committment kind of person
-i am pro-choice
-i am agnostic
-i love when people ask me to burn them CD's, it just takes me a while to get around to it
-i am always here to listen, i just can't always garuntee that i will be able to help
-i really really do love and care about all of you more than you could ever know

2006-09-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

oh dear.

well what do i do now?

2006-09-25T21:19:00.000-05:00

ssshhhiiittt.

i'm sorry about that. you all know that i'm crazy. last night i was just a little more crazy than normal. no reason. i'm just insane.

2006-09-24T20:13:00.000-05:00

i'm afraid.

i don't know why. but i am scared.

what is it that makes me second guess everything? why do i give away my trust so easily? it feels like i am walking around with a blindfold over my eyes.

nothing is wrong. really. so i don't know why i've been feeling like this.

i just need someone to tell me that everything is okay. that i have nothing to worry about.

2006-09-23T09:01:00.000-05:00

i keep waiting, waiting, waiting for the day that i will have the courage to actually say what i want when i want, but that day never comes. so i am stuck wishing and wanting and waiting forever. sometimes i feel so selfish and childish. for being jealous, or sad for no reason, or angry, and sometimes even happy.

i just feel like i am behind. like there are things that i should be seeing that i'm not. like everyone is a few steps ahead of me and i'm running to catch up. i keep trying to help but it never works.

sorry about this. i think it's just this week. just right now. because right at this moment i am up a lot earlier than i should be and no one else is so i am thinking, and when i start thinking bad things happen. :P

on a good note...we won!!! :D

2006-09-22T23:52:00.000-05:00

i
am
SO
glad
this
week
is
over.

so glad. i just hope next week is better.

2006-09-21T21:38:00.000-05:00

I've been really unsatisfied this week. i don't know why. things are going great for the most part. and i've been questioning every part of my life. everything. it's weird. maybe it's because im stressed out and nervous about IMEA and STILL not having a dress for fall frenzy and all the drama and blllarrrgh.

im just a whiny bitch. sorry.

fffffuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkk.

i need to have a party. i need to recreate a little bit of summer.

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!

2006-09-19T20:31:00.000-05:00

are we all kissing and making up yet?

because we should be.

just take a deep breath. ready?

IN.
OUT.

now doesn't that feel good?

2006-09-17T15:56:00.000-05:00

my house is too quiet and my dad is the only one home and im not liking my dad so much these days for some reason. and i just want to go out of the house but plans i make never work out.

so im sitting in my room feeling a little sorry for myself even though nothing is really wrong and im just not in a good mood today.

BOOBS!

2006-09-15T20:36:00.000-05:00

hehehe...

i didn't think it was possible but i actually think my boobs have shrunk. soon they'll just disappear altogether.

schmeh. i dont mind.

today someone called one of my friends in bio a freshman and she replied "i'm not a freshman! i have boobs!" and i laughed because i am certainly not a freshman but i will never have boobs. i dont mind. i dont need to buy sports bras.

and running doesn't hurt.

sorry if this post made you uncomfortable.

actually, if it did, grow the fuck up.

sorry im mean today. well just right now. mainly because i have to wake up at two thirty to go sit it horribly hot weather all day and eat overpriced food. it'll be fun though.

I believe...

2006-09-13T19:32:00.000-05:00

-that everyone one should have at least one person they can tell anything and everything
-that everyone should fall in love once
-sometime's all you need to cheer you up is some ice cream, french fries and your best friend
-pie solves almost any problem
-that being a little materialistic is not always bad
-that everyone should have a person who thinks they look beautiful even if they're just in sweats
-that sometimes a horrible day can be just what you need
-a good cry is almost always good
-rainy days can sometimes be the best kind
-getting rained out isn't always a bad thing
-homework is evil
-that you can definitely have more than one best friend
-early bird gym is wonderful
-opera rocks
-ethnic food is better than normal food a lot of the times, you jsut have to keep an open mind
-you can't be afraid of new beginings or endings
-when a door is closed, a window is opened
-sometime's the only way to get better is to face what's bothering you and not look back
-there's nothing wrong with spending $20 on nothing but junk food
-that a good book can change you forever
-no one is truly individual. our personality is shaped by those around us
-in god but not in religion
-in the power of a wonderful movie
-in the power of a wonderfully horrible movie
-there's a song that can make anything better
-that sometimes you just need to forget about school and homework and take a day to be absolutely irresponsible
-that everyone should be complimented daily
-that you should compliment one person daily
-that horrible experiences can make you a better person in the long run if you're willing to try
-that hard work pays off, but so does forgetting about work occasionaly
-everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes. ;)
-that just because the legal drinking age is 21, doesn't mean it's immoral to drink before then (as long as you're not doing it to drown out your problems)
-love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!
-that it's not fair that you can have sex at 17, but you can't buy porn until you're 18
-That if you've got it, you should flaunt it. but in modereation
-that you should never forget that you were a freshman once, too
-being mean to those younger than us is not going to get us anywhere
-being on stage is one of the most wonderful feelings
-the OEHS auditorium is one the the most wonderful places on earth
-Vocal Jazz is why i go through the rest of the week
-the best kinds of bus rides are the 22 hour long ones
-disney world is wonderful, and even more so when you are sleep deprived and delirious
-that everyone needs to chill out more often
-that i have the most wonderful friends on earth

..there's a lot more. but i will leave you with that.

2006-09-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

Transitfactor: I'll be the bad cop
xxinthemusicxx: oOo me too
xxinthemusicxx: we should all just be bad cops
Transitfactor: Can you do a bad cop bad cop routine?
xxinthemusicxx: of course
xxinthemusicxx: we'll just beat it out of him

haha i love you spence-dub

my parents found my weed.

2006-09-09T22:36:00.000-05:00

just kidding! but of course there's no weed to find anyway...or is there?! :P

but they did realize how NOT CLEAN my room was. thankgod they did because i wouldn't have done a damn thing about it otherwise.

my room is clean. like actually clean. not 'i just shoved everything under the bed' clean either. like vaccumed and organized and a little rearranged and wow. Now i don't have to worry about things growing in places where they shouldn't be. its weird. and good. i like it. now i just have to do the closet...but it may take me a while to get around to that because i hate hanging clothes up. i think it's positively tedious. but that's all i can do with my clothes because i dont have anywhere else to put them now that my bedroom floor isnt an option anymore.

besides the fact that i am sick, i feel good.

2006-09-09T20:27:00.000-05:00

So remember how i am indian?

yeah that means that if you have a party no one (and i mean no one) will show up less than an hour late.

joy.

2006-09-09T13:19:00.000-05:00

someone please update their blog with an at least semi-decent post so i dont go insane. please?

2006-09-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

So no callbacks, but whatev. i could still make it.

i probably wont make it, but whatev. i trust fruits' judgement. and i have eight more possible shows with east, so not making one isn't a huge deal...but what am i going to do after school now? cavya+taking the bus=not natural.

Oh my god i love a capella choir.

asdlfkasjdf;lsdkfj

:D

2006-09-06T20:02:00.000-05:00

"Gatekeeper seasons wait for your nod
Gatekeeper you held your breath
Made the summer go on and on..."

2006-09-05T17:58:00.000-05:00

So school's not horrible i guess. Auditions are tomorrow.

I am freaking out just a little bit. alright. maybe more than a little bit. a big bit. a freakin HUGE bit. i'm memorized though. and i think it's alright. the only part that worries me is that it's such a small cast. 13 people i think. 5 are female parts. shiiiit. i don't even care what part i get. i just want to get cast.

merrrrr

feet are weird.

2006-09-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

what time do all of you guys wake up around?

because i'm always awake before 9 30 and then i want to call people but i am afraid no one is awake and i don't want to wake anyone up.

so comment and tell me what time you wake up at because i am crazy.

2006-09-03T07:32:00.000-05:00

I got my hopes up again...

2006-09-02T00:58:00.000-05:00

guess what?

EAST WON A FOOTBALL GAME!

i'm not lying, i promise.

no really, i'm not. we seriously won.

....................SHYES!!!!

2006-08-31T22:36:00.000-05:00

here's my schedule for this semester.

Early Bird PE
Health/Driver's Ed
A Capella Choir/Wind Symphony
Biology
Spanish 3

Nothing horribly hard, but it's six classes.

Now I know there a few people going through this same thing, but i am going to whine anyway because it's ten thirty and i woke up at 5 today and i hardly slept last night, so whining is just about all i can do.

you wanna know how long i will be at school for tomorrow?

SIXTEEN FUCKING HOURS.

it would be SEVENTEEN FUCKING HOURS but i am skipping earlybird tomorrow. (shhh!)

yaaaay marching band.

I miss summer... :(

2006-08-30T20:54:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how i feel about this whole school thing...

Maybe I will change my mind after tomorrow, but for now, i am against it.

Skanks on a Wang

2006-08-29T22:09:00.000-05:00

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHER-FUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER-FUCKING PLANE!

that's right. i saw it. eat that, bitch. i just saw snakes on a mother-fucking plane.

The girls and i will be making a sequel. Hence, Skanks on a Wang.

2006-08-28T23:04:00.000-05:00

so today was the kind of day when eating was not the kind of thing i wanted to do. so i didn't eat that much and i was fine but then my mom just came home with lunchables so obviously i had to eat one and now my tummy is unhappy.

Today was a fannnnnnntastic day.

"What the fuck, how the fuck did you, what the, who the, why did you fucking, who the fucking fuck, FUCK!?!?!"

-Boondock FUCKING Saints.

2006-08-28T08:05:00.000-05:00

my stomach just made the longest, loudest, and angriest noise i have ever heard.

it kind of sounded like maniacal laughter.

maybe i should go eat something.

2006-08-27T21:22:00.000-05:00

aaaahhhhhhhh!!!

:D

that's all.

2006-08-26T22:52:00.000-05:00

Today was one of the most wonderful days in my life. But it's got me wondering...

Do you remember how when you were little you never thought you ould grow up? When it seemed like it would be forever before you were an adult or driving or going to college or even high school.

Even just a few years ago i still felt like that. Now everything is going by so fast. I've only got 3 more years of high school left until im leaving all my friends to become a real person. an independant person who makes their own decisions and doesnt have parents or teachers hovering over them telling them what to do anymore. In just one year some of my best friends are leaving, people who changed my life and myself forever. people who shaped who i will be when i am going off to college in a few years or starting my career or even a family some day.

Now i'm starting to wonder if the promises we've made will last for more than a few years. Right now my biggest fear is losing touch will all the people who i love so much. People who helped me through the toughest parts of my life. People who helped me realize who i am, and learn to love who i am.

Right now i have a feeling of certainty. A feeling that no matter what i will always have people that i can lean on, when i need to. people who always know what to say. A feeling that i will always be confident with who i am. Right now i am on top of the world.

But what about in a few years? What happens then? What happens when i am thrown into the real world with no one by my side? Whats going to happen then? The reason i am so self confident is because i have people here who give me a reason to feel that way. i have people who make me feel good about myself even when that's the farthest thing from my mind. What am i going to do when these people are gone?

I know I've still got a few years, but...

I'm scared.

2006-08-26T00:19:00.000-05:00

Words to Live By

If you don't have a song
To sing you're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm

If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore

No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine

If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine

-Better Than Fine
-Fiona Apple

2006-08-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

I would like a date to homecoming, this year.

any takers?

2006-08-24T15:19:00.000-05:00

random thoughts.

Sometimes after i've been reading other people's blogs for a while i have to read mine for a really long time to remember who i am.

I hung out with erin, M, annie, ethan, matt, and chad last night. it was a good time. a very good time. :)

KK is leaving tomorrow...woah.

i'm sorry i dont update that much. i'm running out of things to say. i think when school starts i'll be back up. i just need a change of pace.

Does anyone want to go thrifting with me? like tomorrow? please?

2006-08-18T23:24:00.000-05:00

uhm...i want to kill emmy rossum. or be her. either or.

2006-08-16T10:56:00.000-05:00

Lovely Lauren and Combat Mouse came over yesterday and we put awesome ridiculous makeup on and were girls. We watched Phantom of the Opera and Never Been Kissed, both of which are good movies. And I worked on my verse for a little bit but had to stop because it makes me sad if I do it for too long.

I'm excited for school to start. I'm excited to have something to work for. I've decided that this year I am going to do my best to be all the things i want to be.