I feel kind of warm and fuzzy. And this song makes me feel warm and fuzzy. This song is my mood. my current state of being, to some extent.

I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts
Waiting for the black to replace my blue
I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught
But daddy longlegs, I feel that Im finally growing weary
Of waiting to be consumed by you

Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait
Forever
Darling, just start the chase - Ill let you win but you must
Make the endeavor

Oh, your love give me a heart contusion
Adagio breezes fill my skin with sudden red
Your hungry flirt borders intrusion
Im building memories on things we have not said
Full is not heavy as empty, not nearly my love, not nearly my love, not
Nearly

Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait
Forever
Darling, just start the chase - Ill let you win, but you must
Make the endeavor
-The First Taste
-Fiona Apple

I've realized that my moods are usually directly connected with the weather. Winter always makes me feel kind of impatient, and happy, and even more hopelessly romantic than usualy. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and hollow and empty at the same time. And you get to wear cute sweaters and hats and gloves and scarves and coats and yay.

I can't wait for snow.

Soon...

soon.

hmmm....

callbacks.

they were okay.

pretty good, i think.

well today was a wonderful day until i tried to help so i just will not even try anymore. so that's it im done. im tired of trying to help other people out and then ending up feeling like and idiot in the end. ugh.

well i'd like to end the day on a good note so lets recount all the reasons why today was wonderful.

-O Magnus Mysterium
-Realizing what i want to do with my life because of O Magnus Mysterium
-Auditions going well
-finishing my scarf (the first time i've finished any knitting project!)

whew. okay. today was good and i will just forget about the bad thing.

sounds like a plan.

So i know i probably should have made the thanksgiving post on thanksgiving...but thanksgiving didn't really end until today for me so this is perfectly appropriate.

i am thankful for:

-the fact that everyone i love is alive and healthy (for the most part)
-my wonderful friends
-the EHMS
-knitting
-Having friends that care, and try to understand, even when what you're saying or feeling doesn't even make sense to you
-food
-music
-theatre
-shoes
-5 day weekends
-going to starbucks and standing in the parking lot and talking
-having friend that will just sit in a car in the school parking lot and talk because you don't feel like going home quite yet
-having the ability to love life even when it hurts

but you know what im NOT thankful for?

my brother fucking hitting a deer and totally messing up my car.
at least he didn't like die in a fatal deer-related accident or something.

While in India
My father went to a psychic
(Or something).

He told my father that
I had already met my soulmate
(curious...)

I went through the list
Of everyone I have met
All the Eligible Bachelors,

But no one seemed worthy.
(Is that horrible of me?)

A year ago today

A year ago today
it hit rock bottom

A year ago today
my life changed forever

A year ago today
my mother woke me up in the middle of the night with the words
"i don't know if my son is alive"

A year ago today
they said it would be a miracle if he lasted one week

A year ago today
My family finally picked itself back up
(as much as we could)

A year ago today
I grew up.

i don't know.
i just don't know.
i don't know why or how.
i don't know why i don't know better.

i wish i did.

i'm not going to say too much because im afraid if i do i'll start something and that's the last thing i want.

but just let it be known that i am angry.
oh yes indeed i am pretty fucking angry.
actually, i'm not just angry, i am offended.

df;kdsajhflksajdhflksajda.

im not on a warpath or anything, so don't feel the need to run and hide if you see me. if you happen to be the object of my rage you will know it before you talk to me.

i have been thinking in poetry lately.

so i did what made sense and started writing it down last night.

now writing poetry has never been something i have done. I didn't even know i could.
but i figured if i can think in poetry, why shouldn't i be able to write it down?

it's enjoyable...a good release.

maybe i'm crazy

people ask us why we do it
why we work and rehearse and run and sing and dance
until there are bags and dark circles
that shouldn't appear until we're much older than this.

is it for our parents?
maybe

is it for attention?
possibly

is it for the audience?
partially

is it for our future?
sort of.

is it because we really truly enjoy it?
mostly.

yes, we love this. we love performance, we love our friends...we love everything that goes along with it. Even the stress. We even love being so sleep deprived that we can hardly see straight.
but then, there's that part in all of us that knows that we are also doing it to avoid thinking. Keeping ourselves so busy that all we have time to think about is where we are going and what we are doing next. and we know this, deep down (maybe not so deep) we know this. and we have no intention of stopping.

it's interesting isn't it?

here's to:

-having a speech meet in 4 days and not having your material memorized
-necessary changes of pace
-falling into your own traps
-champagne
-loving life
-living love
-moving on
-goals
-not acheiving them
-achieving them
-smoothies
-halloween
-halloween parties
-babies
-crazy parents
-shoes
-fall clothes
-the EHM's
-the Mexican Riviera
-Earlybird
-food
-all the things we'll want, and never get
-all the things we'll get, and never need
-not having to worry about tomorrow
-being young and restless

next year for halloween, i am going to have to awesomest, skankiest costume ever. this year's costume was cute though, but i was too lazy to actually make a costume. whatevs.

Whew.

Well i think i am feeling a little bit better now. sometimes you just go into big black holes of depression, you know? Well that's over now and the choir concert was yesterday and that was good, i think.

i feel like i'm reeeeeaaaaalllly busy.

oh wait, i am really busy. ha.

i've got nothing interesting to say, besides sometimes all you need is time with the girls and singing very badly to feist in the ghetto box and lots and lots of leftover italian food.