i think i am on the verge of having a mental breakdown
because NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

ironic, no?

"I am a good person. I'm an attractive person. I am a talented person! Grant me grace..."

it's great. really.

i come to the realization, that there are a lot of people who i thought would back me up, that i guess just don't believe in me.

it's great.
thanks guys.
good to know my friends support me.

i wish i could just walk in and say
"please, just give me a chance. i know i need work but i promise i won't let you down if you just give me an opportunity to show you that i can do it."

but i can't do that.

i'm sick and thusly over emotional.

if there is a god...
apparently he does not like to see me happy.
god forbid cavya should be normal or happy for a little while.

i think i'm being smited.
is that a word?

i love babies.
love them!









i can't wait until i have babies. i wil love them and squeeze them and dress them in whatever clothes i feel like until they want to dress themselves. i will let them wear whatever they please even if it's ridiculous because i think it will be silly. i start them off listening to the good stuff so they don't grow up to have bad taste in music. screw the people who have their kids listen to Mozart whilst in the womb. My babies are listening to...The Kings of Convenience. yeah. They'll grow up and be awesome. even if they're not like me, they'll do whatever they want with their life and it will be fantastic. My kids and I will laugh together and cry together and get angry at eachother sometimes but we will always love eachother. I will not be their best friend, but i will be their best mom.

And once they grow up, and i grow old. I will age with grace. I'll let my hair gray, (but i'll color it until i turn...forty)and i won't wear those awful jeans that come to your belly-button. i'll wear sophisticated clothes that are appropriate for my age and i still still be DAMN FINE even at fifty.

And when i get really old...
i will do whatever the fuck i feel like doing. and no one will be able to stop me. if they try, i will say, "fuck you! i'm old! let me live the little bit i have left in peace, you jerk!"

As for right now...
well, i suppose i'll just keep dealing with the heaping piles of shit life throws at me and go one with my life. I've realized, that i am not perfect, and i would have it no other way. I am a flawed human being, just like anyone else (even if they try to deny it). And guess what? i love my flaws. I think they're cute. like kittens. or BABIES! HA! so eat that.

maybe i'm back.

maybe.

we'll see.