Saturday, February 18, 2006

"Sex by age eight, or else it's too late!"

I thought it was time for a post that was something other than me whining. Here are a bunch of excerpts from
the Best, Worst, and Most unusual: Noteworthy achievements, Events, Feats and Blunders of Every Conceivable Kind'

I shortened a lot of these.

Worst political action group: The Rene Guyon Society, based in Alhambra, California, claims a membership of 670 conscientious parents dedicated to stopping "our kid's headlong plunge toward drugs and crime." Their novel solution to these problems--as well as suicide, divorce, alcoholism, and gambling--is to turn children on to "healthy sex." In the dispassionate words of the encyclopedia of Associations, the Guyon Society serves as the voice for "those advocating child bisexuality protected with double contraceptives by age eight." This position is aptly summarized in their motto" "Sex by age eight, or else it's too late."

Most Unusual Traffic Violation:
In Jackson, Mississippi, in 1972, police flagged down a car that was zigzagging randomly through traffic and discovered that the driver was blind. He was being directed by a friend in the seat next to him who said he was too drunk to drive himself.

Most unusual cannonball: During a naval battle between Brazil and Uruguay in the middle of the 19th century, the Uruguayan vessel ran out of shot. Captain Coe, the commander of the sip, ordered the cannons loaded with Dutch cheeses. "The were too old and hard to eat anyway," he reasoned. In a few minues Coe's ship opened fire again. According to William Walsh, the first two cheeses went sailing over the mark, but finally one crashed into the mainmast of the Brazilian Ship, shattering it to pieces. Cheese shrapnel killed tow sailors standing near the Brazilian Admiral. After taking four or five more cheeses through the sails, the prudent admiral ordered his ship to retire from the engagement.

Most unusual autopsy: Andre Brazile, a French convict from Nantes serving as a galley slave, died September 10, 1774 after complaining of violent stomach cramps. When an autopsy was performed with fifty incredulous medical students in attendance, the coroner discovered in the stomach of the deceased, a knife, pewter spoons, buttons, and miscellaneous pieces of glass, iron and wood. (In his report, the coroner concluded that "it must have been something he ate.")

Most unusual Epitaph:
W.C. Fields: "I'd rather be here than in Philadelphia."
Alexander Woollcott: "Here lies Alexander Woollcott who died at the age 92. He never had imitation frui in his dining room."
George Gershwin: "Here lies the body of George Gershwin, American Composer. American? Composer?"
Dorothy Parker: "Dorothy Parker. Excuse my dust."

Worst toy: in 1968 a Japanese firm introduced a toy atomic bomb that flashes, bangs, and emits a cloud of real smoke.

Worst Vegetable: The rabage. In 1924, a Soviet geneticist successfully crossed a cabbage and a radish, produced an entirely new vegetable, the rabage. (An unfortunate name, but clearly more preferable to caddish.)

Best Proof that Californians are not like the rest of us: California is currently the scene of a mushrooming "gluers" movement spearheaded by people who like to glue things--small things, preferably, like costume jewelry, rubber mice, teeth, baby beads, tennis balls, bottle caps, plastic salt shakers--to bigger things, like cars and buildings. Dickens Bascom, a noted northern California gluer, looks forward to the day when he can join other gluers and purchase a large office building and decorate it in their fashion. "I'm determined to do it," he says. "I think it's something people need."

Most unusual euphemism: During WW II , overly demure members of the French resistance announced their need to use the toilet by saying " Je vais a telephoner a Hitler."

thats all for today.


Blogger Sarah said...

You dont know me that well because you've only met me like once a million months ago, but I'm Sarah Watts, and I really like your blog. It's so sad.

And hah, there's a new owner of just to let you know, so you may want to change your links :)


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