well i am back from hawaii, and it was good. but now i am tired and jet lagged so i am going to sleep. there will be a somewhat more detailed account sometime today.

and i miss all of you soooooooooooooooooooooo much after seeing no one but my family for two weeks, so call me up bitches!!

PS: what happened to cooch's blog?

i thought since i am leaving for a week very early tomorrow morning that i would leave all of you whom i love so dearly with a good post. so here.

So this morning i put on my newly-bought 5 inch high wedges and thought i would conquer the stairs.

Turns out the wedges conquered me. ow.

And then i went to my sexy nicole's house and we ate junk food and watched chick flicks and were teenage girls together and it was good.

And now i find myself actually looking forward to this vacation. this 11 hour direct plane flight. this week with my crazy family.

my brother is angry because i wont let him take MY guitar to Hawaii to be tossed around by all the people who work in the various airports it will be taken to in it's 20 year old $5 case that's practically falling apart. his defense? he will lose his precious calluses if he doesn't play for a week. kiss my ass, KK.

but vacation will be good, even if the only way i can make it good it to sneak away from my family at every chance i get to hang out by the pool or in the city. I'll meet cute tan muscle-y boys, and relax by the beach (or the pool if i don't feel like having to wash my bathing suit for hours to get all the sand out afterwards) and read and think and eat fresh fish and fruit and drink kona coffee (which is by far the best kind) and find seashells and maybe go hiking by the volcano and forget. and i will come back and be better. i will be happy and refreshed and ready for marching band and for my arms to fall off, and to learn the boring mellophone part. so there.

And now i wonder how it will really be.

I said i would leave you with a good post, and there it is. What do you think? That's all you're getting for another week.

I love you. and if you love me, you will call my cell phone all the time and save me from my family.

Here's a reason to comment...very cheesy, but if you could describe me in one word, what would it be, try to think about it, make it mean something. please. :)

Good-bye for now.

i wish i had something interesting to say.

i wish i could say how i really feel. but that's not for the world wide web.

i don't think i'll ever get around to saying it anyway. as much as i keep thinking everything will be forgotten after i say it, nothing will change. maybe i will feel a little better, but nothing will change. it doesn't really matter all that much.

life goes on.

i'm going to hawaii for a week on monday. so if you have anything important to say, or you feel like, you know, confessing your undying love for me or something. now would be the time.

so go on, confess away.

you know what i hate? how after you've been chewing a peice of gum for so long it starts to deteriorate and turn all gooey and gross. i hate that. im dealing with it now. if only i had the energy to walk to the trash can that's 10 feet away.

another thing i hate: post performance boredom. i have no idea what to do with myself, and im only home until sunday. so call me. especially if you want to go to the mall.

this post is not directed to anyone in particular, it's just me venting. so don't get offended or anything. and if you haven't read the list that's before this yet, read that. :)

i give up.

plain and simple.

im done trying to solve everyone's problems. i'm just done. i can say a million things to try and cheer people up, but people seem to be driven to feel depressed, and alone and angry and i've realized that i can't do anything about it besides listen and nod and say 'im sorry that happened' or 'look on the bright side' or something.

so if something is wrong, and you actually want to feel better, then i am here, but if your just looking for someone to feel sorry for you, or someone you can bring down, i am not the person.

if you won't let me in enough to know what is actually wrong, i cant help you.

this doesn't mean that you can't talk to me about your problems, or about what's going on in your life. it just means that, most likely, i am not going to be able to make you feel better. and im tired of feeling guilty that i can't make everyone happy. that's not my job. i have my own worries. i'll help you to the furthest extent that i can, but there's only so much i can do.

wow. that feels so much better.

here it is--updated

there's more at the end!

because it sounded like a good idea. thanks li. i know it's really freakin long, but rad it all...it'll do you good.

The List

i want:

rain
sun
the moon to be so big i can almost touch it
someone to not be able to tear their eyes away from me
love at first sight
flowers and candy
doors opened
a big pretty dress
to be a ballerina
to be longed for
to be looked to for guidance
to live like every day is my last.
to not have to think about what i say before i say it
to be friends with my mom
to be neat and tidy
to be dainty
a closet full of nothing but skirts and dresses and pretty girly tops
to be able to wear my sparkly fishnets out of the house and not look like a prostitute
and asian boyfriend
a jewish boyfriend
a russian boyfriend
to live in california
and newyork
to go to six flags
a tattoo of a treble cleff on my foot, or neck
a belly flat enough that i can get my belly button peirced and show it off
arched feet
longer fingernails
to be able to write poetry
and songs
and stories
to make music
to teach high school choir
to perform
to act
to be the best at something
to laugh so hard my abs are sore the next day
to be known by who i am, not who i hang out with or what i do
to be a good conversationalist
to open up a coffee shop with lots of old comfy furniture and song lyrics on the walls and always live music
to learn italian and spend a summer there
to be listened to
my opinion to matter to someone
someone to not be able to stop thinking about me
to love and be loved in return (i had to steal it, li)
a kitten
a puppy
to be able to make my own clothes
to drive
to be my own person
to be free
to go away
to be missed
to be wanted
and be kissed:
in the starlight
and in the rain
and snow
in a feild if flowers
on a bridge
under a street lamp
when i am sad
when i am happy
a kiss to solve an argument
someone to play with my hair
someone to want to know everything about me
someone to want nothing but me for the rest of their lives
to adopt a child
to have a child
to be like my mother on a good day
someone's face to light up when they see me
to break someone's heart
ice cream
popcorn
to have a picnic
to live in the city
to go to the city
to live in an apartment complex that has a garden on the roof
to have sex in said garden
to not care what people think of me
to have my dreams come true
to live in the 20's
to go swing dancing
to be the most interesting and entertaining old woman i can possible be
to spoil my grandchildren
for people to think i am "free spirited" and not weird
will power
to want to excercise every day
to be a dancer
boys to be easier to read
people to say what they feel
someone who i've never met to tell me they love me
to live by a beach
to have dinner parties
to live on my own
to have a pair of high heels in every color
go go boots
a reason to wear go go boots
to not have to have a reason to wear go go boots
to wear leg warmers
to look good in hats
curly hair
perfect skin
for people to notice when i paint my nails red
a littl black dress
a little red dress
everything i own to fit me perfectly
to have the confidence to strike up a conversation with someone i don't know
to have someone i dont know strike up a conversation with me
to go to japan, greece, england, progue, france, italy, and brazil
to have someone think i am the most beautiful being on earth

i could go on forever...and i think i will.
---
To fall asleep with someone
To go clubbing
To be a stripper for a day
A $10,000 shopping spree
To go to the beach
Someone to think I am perfect in every way
To get married when I am twenty-seven
To have a kid when I am 30
To be a lead in a show next year
To be the best
To feel pretty every day
To be a morning person and a night person
My parents to own a target so I can get whatever I want from there all the time
People to stop wearing jeans so low their crack shows all the fucking time
To be accepted for who I am
A second chance
To get married once
To find the cord that hooks my camera up to my computer
A blue lobster
Perfect feet
To dance in the middle of the road
To sing in the shower and not worry about who hears me
To lose 10 lbs.
To be able to draw
To be able to paint
To see snakes on a plane
To learn to surf
To find a book I can get into
To go shopping with jamie fruits
Jamie Fruits to have babies
To always smell like fabric softener
Red Character shoes
Elijah wood
Johnny Depp
To go to a book store
To learn more about other religions, including my own
To get mail
My pirates dvd


there it is. you will have learned a lot about me from that list. now you make one.

eesh.

again with the "i just want to be your friend" complex.

trying to find a decent boy in this town that isn't either taken or gay is obviously impossible.

i mean, really, is there something that just stops the opposite sex from being attracted to me?

please, do tell. i'd really like to know.

you wanna hear something?

The guy who was driving (drunk) when KK had the accident, is now going insane, from what i hear. Like, literally insane. He sees things and hears voices, and is paranoid, and thinks his face is rotting whenever he looks in the mirror. They thinks it's due to all the guilt.

isn't that scary?

i kind of feel bad for him...i mean, no one deserves that sort of thing, even though he pretty much left KK to die...it's just sad...i can't imagine what his family is going through.

wow.

Beauty and the Beast is over. It actually turned out to be pretty good, i think. I'm not horribly sad that the actual play is over, but i'm going to miss my nequa friends...i will have to call them all the time. i would try and post a picture on here, but i can't find the cord that goes with my camera to upload stuff. so...i guess you guys will just have to wait.

i don't know what to say. i'm not a very interesting person right now. i said something really funny last night. but i can't remember what is was.

blah blah blah.

i am having one of those days. actually it's been one of those weeks.

i am too stressed out. and i can't do shit about it. I can't make everyone suddenly care. It's kind of like knowing a plane is going to crash and not being able to save anyone.

Come and see what happens...Beauty and the Beast: july 13th 14th 15th 7:00 PM. and a Saturday matinee at 2:00 pm.

i had a conversation with someone that i've been meaning to have with them for quite a while now, today.

and it made me wonder what would happened if i had had this conversation earlier. i also wonder whether i would have been better off talking to the brick wall that was behind me...and whether they really listened, because i meant what i said. And i hope that they took it into consideration, and gave it some thought.

and i realized that sometimes, saying what you want to say is not as hard as you think it would be. i think from now on, if something is bothering me, or i want to say something to someone, that might not necessarily be the easiest thing to say, that i am going to say it anyway...there are a lot of things that actually end up being hard to talk about when you're actually doing it, but there are also a lot of things that are actually not that hard to say, that you blow out of proportion in your mind. and from now on, after i have thoroughly thought about what needs to be said, i am going to get over my nerves and say what's on my mind.

That all sounds pretty reasonable to me.
How about you?

i had the most wonderful day today. i honestly think it was the best fourth of july i have ever had.

M, my family, and i spent the day in the city. we went to navy peir and the beach...oh the beach. i never wanted to leave. i could have spent the entire day just sitting by the waves. i love the feeling of the soft sand and the waves hitting your feet...and even when there's seaweed tangled around your ankle, it's still wonderful.

Plus, there were SO MANY BABIES!!!!!

---
This song has been stuck in my head for a while now...and quite appropriately. And i know no one ever reads lyrics, but read these.

You called me after midnight,
it must have been three years since we last spoke.
I slowly tried to bring back
the image of your face from the memories so old.
I tried so hard to follow,
but didn't catch a half of what had gone wrong,
said "I don't know what I can save you from. "
I don't know what I can save you from.
I asked you to come over,
and within half an hour,
you were at my door.
I had never really known you,
but I realized that the one you were before,
had changed into somebody for whom
I wouldn't mind to put the kettle on.
Still I don't know what I can save you from.
I don't know what I can save you from.

"I don't know what i can save you from"
-the kings of convenience

I need an adventure.
Would you like to join me?

i think i need to cut myself off from certin aspects in my life right now, at least for a little while. until i can sort things out for myself. because being around them is inhibiting my ability to feel how i should feel, and do what i should be doing.

Don't you hate when someone who you thought was so amazing falls short of your expectations? When you have the highest hopes that they are a wonderful and genuine person, but you realize that they're actually kind of self centered, or inconsiderate.

Maybe it was my fault too, for hoping for too much. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I need to fix myself, but i don't know how.