i can't do this anymore. i don't know what i am doing but obviously something is stopping me from being as happy as i should be, and i don't know what it is but it's horrible and i hate feeling like this all the time and i wish it would just go away.

In 20 days it'll be one year since KK's accident. maybe that's part of it. i can still see the police lights flashing in my head, i can still hear my mother crying.

i need to get out of this funk.

I'm in a funk. So i'm going to make a list. it's not going to be a very happy list.

I hate:

-feeling left out
-people being blatantly favored
-not being given a chance to show my talent/potential
-knowing im not doing my best
-bad days
-bad weeks
-ignorant people
-stupid people (unless their stupidity is entertaining)
-being able to relate to sad/angry music word for word
-feeling alone
-not being able to like my parents no matter how hard i try
-being in a bad mood
-feeling like a whiny bitch
-being stressed out
-feeling unwanted
-being stuck in this state of being
-knowing that there are certain things i'll never get to do, certain parts i'll never get to play, certain songs i'll never get to sing, certain people that will always be favored
-having to just sit and deal with it
-having bad memories replay in your mind over and over
-feeling overwhelmed
-right now

i'm sorry but i needed to get that out. it's been a bad last week for me.

this mind, this body, and this voive cannot be stifled by your deviant ways

I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool but you just run to hide, and i can't abide

I've got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You've got this head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem.

you know you're having a bad week when you listen to Fiona Apple and think she is reading your mind.

When i get old, i want to have laugh lines.

very deep laugh lines. I don't mind if i have wrinkles, but i want every single one to tell a story. i wan't to travel around the world and collect things, and be a great cook. i want endless stories. i wan't lots of grandchildren to spoil. i want them to love me. I want to take advantage of every opportunity i get in life, and live to tell about all of it. i want to be able to say "When i was your age..." i want countless photo albums. i want to share my love for life.

i don't want to be the old lady that people feel bad for. I want the youngest and hippest to envy the life i have lived.

Right now i want to live my life to the fullest. I want to learn everything i can. i want to be everything i can.

I want to live the stories i'll tell in 60 years.

Please please please
No more melodies
They lack impact, they're petty
They've been made up already
Please please please
No more maladies
I'm so tired of crying
You'd think I was a siren
But me and everybody's on the sad same team
And you can hear our sad brain screaming

Give us something familiar
Something similar
To what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady
Steady going nowhere

Please please please
No apologies
At best they buy you time
Until you next step out of line
Please please please
No more remedies
My method is uncertain
It's a mess but it's working
And maybe if you tried it out
You won't like it when you're crying out

Give us something familiar
Something similar
To what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady, steady
Steady going nowhere

-please please please
-fiona apple

So i stole this from sara watts blog and she stole it from some guys away message. but i thought it was hilarious, and hopefully its still funny even if it is third hand. i don't see how it couldn't be.


AS A PORN MOVIE TITLER, I MAY LACK PROMISE
By John Moe
-When Harry Met Sally, They Had Sex with One Another
-The Matrix-sex
-Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines are Humping
-Mr. Smith Goes to Washington Whilst Having Sex
-American History XXX
-Reservoir Dogs Humping All Over People's Legs
-All Quiet on the Western Front Except for All the People Having Sex on the Western Front
-O Brother, Where Art Thou Doing It?
-Sex Degrees of Sexparation
-Akira Kurosawa's Dreams About Having Lots of Sex with People
-You've Got Mail, and Also Tons of Sex!
-It's a Wonderful Life When You Are Having Scads of Sex with Others
-Some Like It Hot, e.g., Hookers
-The Day the Earth Stood Still Somebody Somewhere Was Having Sex
-Schindler's List of People to Have Sex with a Whole Lot

things i am like:

-a rollercoaster
-leopard print
-mini skirts
-high heels from the thrift store
-the wind
-the sun
-a river
-music
-magic
-autumn
-one huge contradiction
- a songbird
-a big comfy sweater
-a messy room
-a big hug
-a koala bear
-a june bug
-funky colors
-a heroin addict but with email
-a movie
-hope


got anything to add?

a very self centered post just like the rest of them

there is something i've been trying to say, i think. but i'm not sure what it is. and i'm not sure how to get my point across or if i even want to get my point across.

i've been doing too much existing. just existing. not thinking, not doing and avoiding feeling...because i don't want to be set back. but is that setting me back even more? i'm afraid that if i start doing too soon that i will encounter things im not ready to yet. i don't know, it's complicated.

and once again i'm overwhelmed with the feeling that everyone is moving on without me. everyone has a purpose, but i'm just here. just existing. moving forward but not in a way that matters. feeling good but not in a way that matters.

I wonder...

-when i will know what i need to do
-when i will have real passion, real drive
-when i won't have to think about what i do
-when i won't regret
-when love will find me
-why we do the things we do
-when i will stop being so lazy
-where i will be in five years
-where i will be tomorrow
-why i forget who i am so easily
-how much more i have to learn
-when people willl grow the fuck up
-when i will grow the fuck up
-when i will be able to see what i have to do before the moment has passed
-what life has in store for me
-if i'll be okay next year
-when i will be able to let go
-when i will be able to actually truly care and be dedicated to something again
-if things really do happen for a reason
-why reading happy books/watching happy movies makes me sad
-when i won't be able to relate to the sad songs anymore
-why everything my family does bothers me
-if the fact that everything that they do bothers me makes me a bad person
-why being around them makes me so uncomfortable and moody
-when i will feel like i am a good person
-if time travel is possible
-when i will find that person
-why i am so selfish
-why i am so afraid of being alone
-whether people really hear and understand what i say and do because it's almost always for a reason and almost always means something more than it seems

there are two kinds of people in the world.

the kind who don't bake their feelings away,
and the kind that do.

apparently i fit into the second group.

only sort of useless.

i guess i feel incomplete if i don't update everyday.

so i think the current weather reflects my current state of being. where i am there is nothing but light rain, but a few miles out there is thunder and lightning and huge angry exciting storms. i think right now i content with what i have been doing and where my life is. i don't have too much to worry about, and the bad things in my life can be fixed over time. but i feel like if i delved deeper into how i was feeling i was spill over with emotion...happiness, excitement, anger, bitterness...sometimes i wonder how i can be feeling so many things at the same time.

that doesn't count as whining, does it?

oOo...My dad got KK's car (or i guess its MY car now...that's so awesome to say...my car!!) cleaned so it no longer reeks of stale cigarrette smoke or weed, and there are no longer cd's all over the ground and dirt all over the place. it's completely clean and smells lemony fresh. i can't wait to drive it. eee!

IMEA auditions are tomorrow...wish me luck!

i'm not sure what to say. i could whine but i don't feel like feeling useless anymore. and i don't really have anything entertaining to say. lately i've been mopey which is the thing i hate most. so no more moping here.

no, i am not feeling too wonderful as of now...but i will be feeling fine eventually. so until then i don't know if i will be saying much of anything important. there will probably be many many random useless posts, because that's what i do when i'm bored. but for now i've got nothing left to say besides things i've said before.

so for now i'm just going to keep living and taking things day by day, and soon i will have something to say.